Interracial Dating
I touched upon this issue briefly in my posts about Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys and Lakeview Terrace, but I have always meant to follow up on this a little more in-depth.
A little background info first. I went to Energy, a 17+ nightclub in Stone Park, Illinois, that is only open on Thursdays. Yeah, I didn’t know where this place was either until I was invited there. Apparently it’s in the northwest suburbs, near Wheaton. Anyway, the club was having a promo event Friday night. Yes, I know that’s stupid. Why are they having events on Friday, if it is only open on Thursdays? The promo was Pimps and Hoes Ball. I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t know how I got talked into going to such a thing, but I did, and so I went and dressed for the event. I asked if I looked the part of a hoe, and I was informed that hoes don’t wear pearls. I laughed and said, well I guess I’m a classy hoe. I certainly felt like one considering what I was wearing, but once we got there, I realized that I was grossly overdressed. Just about every girl there was in their underwear. A few people stuck to the theme, but I felt like I was at a lingerie party. I sat down, got dragged onto the dance floor, and made my way back to my seat. I was just fine staring in shock at the bravado of the suggestive clothing (if you could call it that) that the girls around me were wearing. I walked around for a bit, trying to keep track of where my friends were on the dance floor. As I headed back to my seat, I caught the eye of a guy standing near the dance floor. You know the moment, you catch each other’s eyes, and it’s as though time slows down. I held his gaze, letting him know that it was okay to approach me. He sat next to me, and we conversed for the next two hours. Turns out he lives in Chicago, on the northside, near Foster and Western. He seemed perfectly fine, until he told me that he was moving from his neighborhood because there were too many Mexicans nearby. It was an offense, especially since the person who invited me there was half Mexican, but it was a forgivable one nonetheless. The city we live is set up to breed that kind of hate-inspired speech. Anyway, so he offered to take me home. I politely declined, telling him I was the designated driver for the group and couldn’t leave them. It was a lie, but the fact is, I would never go home with or accept a ride from someone I had just met in a club, unless I had no other way of getting home. Before turning to leave, he asked for my number. We exchanged digits, but I couldn’t help thinking that I was probably never going to call him. He’s Polish (or some sort of Eastern European), and I’m black (that’s a color, not an ethnicity) African-American. It wouldn’t work. Am I wrong for not giving this perfectly nice guy a chance? Probably, but I just feel that I should be able to date someone without speculation or conjecture surrounding our relationship. I know I shouldn’t, but I care too much what people think about me to want to endure or tolerate that.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am a huge proponent of interracial dating, I just didn’t think that this particluar scenario would play out well. I wasn’t always an advocate of interracial dating, but when I got to high school, I got over any and all misconceptions about that. I consider myself open-minded. I have not limited myself to one particular ethnicity; in fact, I’ve dated across the board. The interesting thing is that most people aren’t surprised by that. In fact, most people who know me, and I mean know me well, are surprised when I mention that I am interested in a black guy. Even my mother thinks I prefer white guys. I always laugh it off, but now it’s happened so much that I can’t help but question why they say things like that. My tastes are mainstream, and I guess many equate mainstream to mean white. I dunno how to feel about that. I know that I do have deep-seated issues in regards to black men, but I don’t think that I would let them get in my way when it comes down to dating. Or so I hope…
That’s pretty deep. I think out of all of my dawgs, I am the only one without a doubt to have never dated a woman of any race but African-American. Why? I just don’t think things would work out. Now that’s not to say that I haven’t seen some stunning women of various races…I see some beautiful women of all shades on TV and all across the Internet everyday. But if we (me and my friends) were out at a club, I will not holler at any woman other than a Sister. I love my Chocolate Sisters and I think that there are too many beautiful single and ambitious ladies out there for me to dip my toes in another pool so to speak. I say all of that to say: Don’t feel bad, you are not alone…..
Hydr0
I always enjoy looking at my post through the eyes of my commenter. It gives me the opportunity to see what I write through a different lens. I take that and compare it to the message that I am trying to get across. If they match, then I can say job well done, but if they don’t then I have to see if what I said got lost in translation. More often than not, the latter happens, but not in a negative way. What I think and what I write may be two different things, even if they are happening simultaneously.
Addressing your comment: I actually know plenty of black men and women who just will not date each other, for whatever reason. We should all date without any limitations, including the ones imposed by ourselves. All I can say is this, if you see a beautiful woman, you should feel free to pursue her, regardless of her race, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel good that there are some black men still willing to give black women priority in the highly competitive dating scene. I’m glad you think I’m deep. Stay tuned, and hopefully I’ll be able to crank out some more “deep” stuff, and until then, feel free to check out some older posts. The purpose of this blog is to challenge the way the world views me as a black woman and how their outlook affects me. Not to say every experience is negative, because, it’s not, but I feel the need to share them because so many people have misconceptions about the world we live in, and I am here to enlighten folks, so to speak, albeit vicariously.
PS: If none of what I said makes sense, forgive me. It’s 3:30am, and I’m not as smart this time of day
You never told me about this that night!
lol I don’t think anyone knew.
KMZ- What you wrote was a bit contradictary about being able to date without discrimination. The fact is that humans DO discriminate about who we date, don’t date and interact with.
“We should all date without any limitations, including the ones imposed by ourselves. All I can say is this, if you see a beautiful woman, you should feel free to pursue her, regardless of her race, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel good that there are some black men still willing to give black women priority in the highly competitive dating scene.”
If you feel good that someone prefers to give you priority for your race, then what you said before about dating without limitations is invalid! The truth is that you really need your men that you date to have limitations and preferences, otherwise why would they want to date you and not your sister or your best friend. You fall in love with someone’s personality, not their skin color, because no matter how a person fits your ideal lover that you’ve fantasized about, masturbated to and even tried to get their phone number from… if all they care about is how much money you have, how much they can mentally and physically abuse you, there is no way in hell the relationship will last. We are attracted to people based on the following –
physical attractiveness
personality
things in common
You could be dating the richest most sought-after rockstar on the planet, but how many punches would you take before you packed your bags and left? How many times would you let them piss on you before you called your best friend to help you move your stuff? I’m willing to bet the house and farm, just twice… because everyone deserves a second chance, but nobody can be stupid enough to take it twice.
You’re right, it was contradictory, but I try to make sure that my posts aren’t preachy. I prefer that they be vicarious so that my readers can simply live through my writing, and experience it as I do. Which allows for me to simply live the moment, as opposed to be politically correct, or right all of the time. It allows for trial and error sessions and reflection, such as the case was with this post.
We shouldn’t discriminate, and up until that night, I would have said that I was one of the most open-minded people when it comes to interracial dating, but as I learned, although there was no race barrier, there was a cultural one, and I was unable to transcend it, which is why I didn’t pursue things with the gentleman mentioned in the anecdote. In addition to that, I let fear take hold of me. If I didn’t have a problem dating/pursuing a relationship with this guy, then that surely would have stopped me from taking things further. I think that the fear of what others may think leads us to discriminate (racially, culturally, etc.) when dating. If people were more open-minded about interracial dating, then I think that more people would throw caution to the wind and date across the board, so to speak.
The last comment was more of an afterthought. The sentiment expressed was made for black women in general, and not myself, specifically. When I used the word “preference”, that did not mean that those men don’t see beautiful women of all races, it just means that when evaluating the overall picture, it is a strong possibility that race is at the top of their list, but by no means should they not date women different from what they are accustomed to.
I just wanted to allow readers a glimpse into my mind, and to share a learning experience for myself. I want to show that if others are confused about the issue, it’s okay not to all be on one side of the spectrum. We’re all learning about life in different ways. I learned that while I thought I was open, I do have limitations, but at least they aren’t based on race. I need men to have limitations and preferences, but I would hope that they would be things like, smoking, kids, alcohol consumption, and a variety of other things, but not race.
A woman’s color does not tell me what is in her heart. In the 70′s, I saw this wonderful woman, with an awesome heart, being treated very badly by her boyfriend. The first chance I had, I told her I was crazy about her. We ended up dating for over two years. We were in the South, and within a few weeks, I had been approached by my own kind (Whites) who had nothing nice to say about Valerie. It was Valerie that made me use my brains instead of my emotions with the bigotry and racism directed at us. She had told me what they are saying is of no consequences. We have each other and that is what was important.
Our relationship was the best that I had ever had with a woman.
Along with Mildred Loving’s thoughts, no one should have anything to do with the right for one person to date (or marry, in Mrs Loving’s case) who they want”
Thank you for sharing that with us. It’s funny that you commented on this note because the guy I was talking about actually sent me a message, and I intend to go on a date with him. I’m still hesitant, but writing this post, and reading the responses has given me the courage to not put so much thought into what others may think of you when it comes to personal relationships. Yours is truly a story of inspiration. If love could survive then, under those odds, then perhaps it is not so insurmountable of a goal now
You are right. You should not worry about what others think. Their judgment on the matter most likely is poisoned by what they were taught. With people like that, red flags go up in their little brains when they see an interracial couple. They can not help it.
Recently, I was having lunch with a friend that I have known since kindergarten (We grew up in Southside, Queens). Three White guys at a table, in particular, could not stop looking at us. When they got up to leave after their meal, one bumped my chair really hard, staring at me with this weird look, as if to say “What the hell are you doing”!! No words were exchanged and I paid it no mind. So there are still people out their that are taught to see negativity in certain “racial” matters. I live in the South so this “attitude” is probably more common than up North, but I really can not say for sure.
Have a great date.