Springtime Fantasy

05/27/2008

It took me nine months to finish this poem. Enjoy

Your hand cups my face
I feel your sweet embrace
I catch one of your smoldering looks
And you keep me on tender hooks

You make my heart beat and pound
And … without making a sound

You show me the most tender care
While nuzzling my gently tousled hair
You even compliment the clothes I wear

You hold me captive and take my breath away
Our bodies meld as we bend and sway
I wish nights like this would last all day

You say you’ll keep me in your prayers
And I, in turn, keep you in my innermost layers -
Mind, heart, body & soul
We’ll love each other til we grow old

Happy Holidays!

Okay… let’s do this. It’s Christmas Eve, the fourth day of Hanukkah (I wouldn’t have known if it weren’t for Facebook status updates) and two days before Kwanzaa. I think this is the perfect time to address this issue, and I’m sure lots of other people are blogging about this as well. How do you greet someone during this time of the year?

Most people say “Happy Holidays!” but remember those shoppers at Walmart who, last year, protested and demanded that greeters say “Merry Christmas!” instead. I thought that was stupid. In fact, at first, I thought I read it wrong. I thought they were advocating the use of “Happy Holidays”, but to my chagrin, I was wrong.

I’m an office manager, so some of my duties include answering the phone. Last year, I actually got yelled at by someone over the phone because I didn’t say a holiday greeting. I was quite taken aback. Now I know that if you call some companies, the receptionist will usually answer with some sort of holiday greeting. At the time, I was a Jehovah’s Witness, so I didn’t celebrate holidays, therefore, I did not offer an additional greeting pertaining to the holiday season. I informed the woman that I don’t celebrate holidays (I didn’t go into details about why), and I think that shocked her a bit, so she relaxed a bit and asked me to transfer her to whomever she was calling for.

With those memories still in the forefront of my mind, I wondered how I would handle that situation this year. I refused to participate in such tomfoolery. This whole thing is ridiculous. I had a friend who told me that she went to Macy’s and they had Jewish people at the front asking people if they were Jewish. If the answer was yes, then they would respond with a Happy Hanukkah! Well they asked everyone this question… except her. She was miffed and pointed this out to them, and they asked her if she was Jewish. She responded that she in fact, was not Jewish. They still told her Happy Hanukkah. I was greatly amused when she told me this story because it shows just how far we have let this issue go. It’s a Catch 22, no one wins. Somebody is going to wind up offended.

I’ll just go ahead and take this one step further. Take into consideration all of the other cultures, nationalities and ethnicities being ignored. I don’t see anyone saying to Muslims Eid Mubarakh! (I know that was earlier int the month, but still!) How many of you wish the Chinese a Happy New Year when their time comes around? And what about Jehovah’s Witnesses? Yeah, what about us? We don’t celebrate holidays. When I told one of my co-workers this, she looked up thoroughly bewildered as she tried to think of an appropriate response to such a scenario. When she found that she was unable to come up with one, she turned to me. I told her to just say whatever she feels is appropriate at the time, and more than likely one of two things will happen: either the JW will correct her and explain their views on why they don’t celebrate holidays, or they will brush it off and thank you. More than likely, you should expect the latter response. If in a social setting, most will not feel like taking the time to explain all of that to you. They know you aren’t mind readers, and don’t know that they are a JW, so they let it slide. However, picture this, what if they were not cool with that? What if they were highly offended? There are millions of JWs. They have enough ranks and resources to raise a stink over the use of Happy Holidays as a greeting this time of the year. That would be ridiculous, right? Well, why are we letting others dictate what we say? Doesn’t anyone think that this is getting out of hand? Where will it stop?

Personally, I’m fine with not saying anything at all.

PS: Check out what Elon James White has to say about this. Skip to 0:50 to get his perspective on Kwanzaa.

Counseling, Episode 4

Gosh darn it! I was late again, this time by 40 minutes. 

I thought I was doing better. I was only five minutes late last time. So with 20 minutes left, I managed to debrief her on my weekend, which had left me quite shaken. I told her of my ineptitude to help a friend who I was unable to console. 

Let me pause here in order to go into greater detail. I feel like this, if you are someones friend, you ought to be able to make everything better for them, as best you can. If you can’t make them feel better when you are feeling low, then of what real use are you? My friends all know what it takes to cheer me up. Granted, it will vary depending on the situation, but the right dosage of humor will, no matter what, usually cheer me up. I am the listener. That’s what I do best. You vent, I listen. Sometimes that’s all people need, but this time was different. Crying was involved, and it completely incapacitated me. I didn’t know what to do. Growing up, I never saw my mom cry, even when her dad, my beloved grandfather and patriarch to the family, died. So, growing up, I thought it best not to show emotions, I wanted to emulate her. (Maybe she’d like me then.) Later on in life, she would tell me that I am “emotionally retarded”. You know what, I agree. Anyway, back to the situation at hand, my friend is crying and all I could do was stare blankly. I hugged her, patted her back, but didn’t quite know what to do. I never felt so useless. We walked to my place in silence. She laid down on the couch, and eventually went to sleep. I pulled up the chaise next to the sofa, and sat next to her, not quite sure what to do. She woke almost three hours later, and I offered her some food, which she ate, and I let her use the computer, a lovely distraction. It prevented her from realizing how incapable I was feeling at the time. I didn’t know how to reach out and say the right words to make her pain go away. She had always been able to do it for me, so why couldn’t I reciprocate? This bothered me greatly, as you can tell, since I’m still obsessing about it two days later. She’s doing better, I’m grateful to say, but it’s not because of me, and that’s something I need to work on. I need to be more emotionally available. I need to open up the lines of communication, not just with her, but with everyone I interact with. I need to learn to stop holding things inside. 

I told her that I went to my friend and I went to my ex’s house and spent the evening with his mom, who works at our old high school. The three of us chatted for a bit. I was too nervous to look her in the eye because it had been so long since I had seen her (months actually), but she let me in the house, so that’s a step in the right direction, I suppose. Eventually, I was able to relax. She helped calm my friend’s nerves before turning the conversation towards me. She asked about school, and my plans to continue. She asked about my physical health, and fixed me a cup of tea out of concern (my throat was slightly swollen and affecting my speech). We sat down in front of the tv and watched The Kingdom, which was great by the way, I highly recommend it. 

We were supposed to go back to my place because some friends wanted to come over to my place to make chocolate, but they decided to just buy some alcohol and head over to my place for drinking. My friend went to bed early, but I stayed up with everyone else and had a blast, until we got a late night phone call that changed everything. It’s amazing how fast your life can turn upside down. 

This is the worst December I’ve ever had to get through. All I can do is pray that nothing else happens.

No news is good news when it’s 4:30 in the morning

I’m having very possibly the worst month ever. Everyone is getting bad news and it only seems to be getting worst. The latest piece of news is simply devastating, and I can’t even do anything about it because I’m not supposed to know. What am I supposed to do? This is horrible.

9 of Clubs

Athletically Inclined

I was sitting at my desk when my co-worker decided to use my garbage can as a basketball hoop for his garbage. He shoots, he scores. I told him that I couldn’t have done that because I don’t play basketball, and he tells me that I didn’t look athletically inclined. I told him I hadn’t done much in the past two years, but I have played soccer and I like volleyball, but I really want to learn fencing, at which point he kinda stared at me, and so I continued on with his line of questioning about how active I am in sports. I knew what he was getting at, but I wanted to hear him say it. Basically, those aren’t sports that typical black folks play. He asked a few more questions, and I admitted that I am a bit of an anti-conformist. I just want to expand my horizons by doing different things, but all I seem to get is flack from black folks about who just view it as me trying to separate myself from other African-American. I don’t think anything is wrong with those sports, and I don’t feel one way or another about people who play them. I work at an African-American non-profit (about 99% of the employees are black), and I just feel like I am always being reminded about how I’m different from them. These feelings simply engender feelings of loathing, and it begs the question: Was I already the person I am or did I become who I am as a result of comments such as these?

People think I am trying to be different, but I’m not. I hold on dearly to my heritage, but when my own people push me away, it makes me want to tell them all to go fuck themselves, because I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have to deal with white folks telling me or reminding me that “I’m not black enough” on an almost daily basis. If they do, I can always chalk it up or attribute it to their ignorance, but black folks should know better.

Why do we do this to our own?

Pseudo-Date

I am here to introduce you to a new term – pseudo-date.

What is a pseudo-date? 
It’s like a test trial, a  precursor to the real thing. We are testing the waters to see if we want to date each other. Amusing, no? 

Technically, this is our second “pseudo-date”. The first would have been when your mom gave you tickets for lunch on a cruise boat off of Navy Pier’s harbor, and I took off work to go with you. Remember? I even dressed up for the occasion. It was lovely. I took a boatload of pictures, including the one that I am currently using as the custom header for this blog. I took care not to tag you in the photos because you were afraid your girlfriend might freak out if she saw them. I, of course, could have cared less about her feelings, but I went along with it because you asked me to. 

Fast forward to this week. You called twice on Tuesday, and  I ignored both of your calls, which is why I presume you called your ex-girlfriend so she could give me permission to date you. After our slightly awkward conversation, I had gotten no further on whether or not I actually wanted to date you. 

I hate to use this tired, old excuse, but I feel that it’s applicable here: “It’s not you, it’s me.” 
I’m not yet accustomed to the dating scene, and I’m still trying to get a feel for this, and I don’t want to experiment with you and thus risk losing you as a friend. I value our friendship, and I dunno if this is worth the risk of a fallout between us if things don’t work out. Additionally, we have a circle of friends that would be affected greatly by our actions. If you recall, your best friend asked me out, and I promptly accepted his proposition, and then turned it down less than 30 minutes later because I realized that it would just be too awkward for everyone involved. I opted for the less complicated route, and now you want to go down that road? 

You called today. I almost didn’t pick up. On the last ring I sighed and answered. You sounded chipper, and your enthusiasm was contagious (which is rare for you). You asked if I had thought of potential places we could go for a date. I stuttered, and you replied, “You didn’t think of anything, did you?” I responded that I wanted to see the Joffrey Ballet’s production of the Nutcracker, but it wasn’t within my price range. I then proceeded to say that it was hard finding things that guys were interested in. I told you that I didn’t want to bore you, at which you proceeded to laugh. When I inquired as to why you were laughing, you replied that you had the soundtrack to Wicked and Phantom of the Opera. Way to surprise me. I didn’t think that you were interested in plays, and I damn sure didn’t think that you liked musicals. You reminded me that you also enjoy operas. Well kudos, because you won me over. Cultured individuals are so hard to come by. I don’t ask for much. I just need people to open their minds and be willing to explore new things. We don’t have to go somewhere fancy everytime we hang out. On the contrary, I actually enjoy a healthy balance between staying in and going out, but every now and then, I want to go somewhere/do something different. So yeah, you got major brownie points for those comments.

You asked me what I was doing, and I let you know  that I was getting off work, and you asked if I wanted to come over to your place. Lemme say something here that I probably won’t ever say to your face (who am I kidding, we probably will have this conversation). If I’m going to the southside of Chicago via public transportation, it better be for a damn good reason. I have no reason to visit any area south of 43rd. I don’t even want to go to Hyde Park, and that’s one of the nicest neighborhoods on the southside (Beverly is the best place to live on the southside, but it’s so far! Pill Hill would probably be my 2nd choice).  Anyway, I let you know that I had somewhere to go. Now that could have been the end of the conversation, right then and there, but I decided to invite you to a holiday party being thrown by one of our our city’s many politicians. You actually agree, despite already having been invited to hang with the mayor today around the same time. Again, I was impressed. Thankfully, you already understand how important appearances are to me, and you fretted over what to wear. We agreed to meet up downtown and head to the party together.

I came from work, so I was dressed in business casual, which was appropriate for the event. Of course, when you saw me, you started to worry again about your appearance. You were fine, but I appreciated your concern because you were worried about how you would come off to my associates. If this were your thing, you wear whatever makes you comfortable and not give one damn about how anyone else perceived you, which is something else I like about you. No one can really tell you what to feel, but you took into consideration my feelings and did things up a bit, so you passed the first test.

I was happy. You were on good behavior and didn’t do anything outrageous or make any outlandish statements, so you passed the second test. The mostly Caucasian crowd did not appear intimidated by you, so that was a bonus (although one person asked who you were, and I’m not quite sure why). You complimented my outfit repeatedly, and made conversation that passed the time until we were ready to leave. You also decided to see me home before heading to home yourself. Check, check and check!

So, what should I do? This has the potential to get incredibly complicated, and I don’t that to happen. I like hanging out with you one on one, but I don’t want to take it to the next level. The sad thing is you’re already anticipating our first date. I don’t want things to change between us. I like them just the way they are. How do I convey this to you without hurting your feelings?  

 

 

Gift Giving by Sign

Cancer

Any crab needs a cozy shell, and the Cancer loves to adorn their home with items that are both decorative and comfortable. Contribute to the Cancer’s nest with decorative pillows or lamps, exotic bowls, carvings or candles. Their imaginative and romantic nature will respond to art, literature, movies and books. Ideal gift books are narrative rather than informative like fiction, classics, plays and even poetry. Sometimes, The Crab makes gift-giving quite simple. They like to align themself with a cause, a hero or a team and probably have obsessions in politics or sports that are easy to identify. Cancers are givers and ask for little in return. Your presents (and your love) will certainly be well-received. In fact your biggest challenge this holiday may be watching that your generosity doesn’t embarrass your Cancer.

all other signs click here

Counseling, Episode 3

Today I had my third therapy session.

I have to admit, I was worried that we would wind up focusing on one issue, and harping on it forever, but she has let me take control of the direction of our conversations, which is amusing because I tend to go off on tangents, and numerous times I’ve stopped and asked for help in getting back on track, and you know what, she follows me every step of the way, without getting lost.

Today, I got there and we started off on my favorite topic – men. Several of them have re-entered my life, and I’m not all that adept at handling the situations.  I even told her I avoided logging onto AIM, because I knew someone would attempt to rekindle things over the application, and guess what, I logged on today, was chatting with a friend, stayed logged on for too long, and they made their move.

Somehow, I brought up my ex, and she inquired further about him. (This is why therapists are great. They ask the questions that you are, at times, too afraid to ask yourself.) I spilled everything, including my intimacy issues, and problems communicating. It was as though the floodgates had been opened, and everything came pouring out. I told her I thought he was perfect, and learned something about myself. Here I am asking for applications for a boyfriend when guys are throwing themselves at me, and I’m turning them down left and right. Why? Because I’m looking for one who will measure up to my ex, and to be honest, that’s a rather lofty goal. They aren’t him, therefore, I don’t want them. Interestingly enough, I did find one guy who was almost identical to him.

They are both black men, who both play the piano extremely well, who both drive the same Honda, who both have Bachelor’s in Computer Science from downstate Illinois, who both have incredibly high IQ’s, who both are going for their second degrees in their own respective fields of performance music, who both spend an annoyingly large amount of time playing videogames, who both are crazy/eccentric/eclectic/weird, who both live with their moms, I could continue, but I won’t, I’ll stop here.

Now this guy, this clone of my ex, has asked if I want to date him, and the truth is, I do, but in reality, it’s just going to feel like I’m dating my ex. I think that subconsciously, I want to return to something familiar. I don’t want to start over again in a new relationship. I want to pick up things where I left off, but I know that’s unrealistic, which is why I have opted (for now) not to pursue anything past a friendship with him. No sense hurting him, or getting him caught up in a selfish whim of mine.

Long story short, I spent the remainder of the time, talking about my ex, and I think that this will be the beginning of even more conversations about relationships and how I can make them work. I’m looking forward to seeing her again. We decided to meet Monday @ 5pm, and trust me, I’m grateful for an appointment that is later in the day because I am having the hardest time getting there on time, and today’s weather certainly didn’t help the situation. I almost got frostbite!

I Need A Job!

Yes, I know I have a job (a good one at that), but I need a new one. I’ve reached a new low, and boy, oh boy, is my therapist is going to have a field day when she sees me.  I can’t believe I almost called and canceled out appointment which just happens to be tomorrow @ 4pm.

My job, my beloved job, has become something hateable to me. For the second day in a row, I have almost called in. For those of you who don’t know me, let me tell you, I was that annoying ass kid at school who had perfect attendance every day all throughout elementary school and high school. The same applies to work. With the exception of a sick day (if I didn’t take it, and stay at home to combat the sickness, it would have worsened), my birthday (hip hip hooray for paid birthdays off!) and three vacation days, I’ve only taken five days off work in two years.  Not bad if I say so myself, and those five days were taken in my 2nd year at the company. In addition to that, I have only charged for half of the overtime hours that I should be billing them for. I always volunteer to stay late. I even come on Saturdays, and late evenings. I lend myself out to any department that needs me.

I set a retirement date for myself. I was going to leave October 1st of this year, since that would be my two year anniversary date, but I pushed it  back a month to November 1st because I started my current position in the company on that date, so I felt I should stay until my one year anniversary for that post. Well when November rolled around, I figured I’d stay around until the New Year because I didn’t want to lose that two weeks guaranteed vacation, and I wanted to start the new year off with a fresh start.

Well, it’s December 10th. I’m not in school right now, but I thought it would be a good idea if I applied for a job as an administrative assistant at the school of my dreams. All full-time staff members get free tuition as a part of a benefits package. I’ve been keeping my eye on the job listings page, and there is always at least two administrative assistant positions available (and I’ve been looking since the summer), but all of a sudden, as soon as I’m ready to make that career change, poof, no more administrative assistant positions. So, now I’m getting worried. I have my mind firmly set on January 2nd as my start date for my my new job (when I get it), but if I had to stay until February 1st, I wouldn’t mind because I would use my extra vacation time to go to DC for Obama’s inauguration. It will be hard for me to go to another company, and my first month there, ask for a week off. I don’t want to come off as triflin.

I was offered a job last month, but didn’t take it. I already know and am familiar with the man who would be my boss – we’ve been trying to collaborate on a few projects together, but we weren’t able to make things work. Anyway, we decided to catch up one day and he informed me that his intern was moving on. I took this as a sign and told him I was interested, so he told me that he offered it to someone, but if they turned it down, it was mine. I was supposed to forward him my resume but it was so crappy, that I held back, hoping to correct and fix it, but I never got around to it.  Finally, a friend had me write him to ask him if the position was still available, and to my surprise, he said it was open and to send my resume along. It’s an internship making what I’m making now, but it only lasts a year. However, I’d be doing something I love, and it would give me upward mobility because of the prestige of the company. I won’t reveal the name of the company until I have everything confirmed and locked away, but it seems like I will be a shoo in for the job.

I’m pretty excited to leave the company. As much as I love them, morale is far too low for me to be able to stay, and it’s starting to affect my work ethic.

Currently Taking Applications for a Boyfriend

I’m just straight venting now.

I went to a party (which is rare for me), and offered to play bartender for the night and the host agreed. Now I don’t drink, but I wanted to try my hand at mixing alcoholic beverages. If I say so myself, I didn’t do too bad. I got a chance to network, and got a self-esteem boost from all the guys hitting on me. One guy caught my attention. He was a friend of the host, and had given me a lift home once. I saw him and took the opportunity to reconnect. He remembered who I was, and expressed an interest in trying to get to know me better. That was fine until the guy started getting clingy. I mean he wouldn’t leave my sight. He would pout if I talked to anyone else, even if they were just being friendly. So, I pulled the host to the side, and asked him what the deal was with his friend. He said, he was harmless, but to be careful because he was extremely touchy in regards to his emotions. I don’t know how else to explain this to you guys. He was overly emotional, and he was coming on very strong. We’re both former Jehovah’s Witnesses, so we had a common understanding about certain things. Then he started telling me that he was “the one” for me, at which point I was like “wtf?” I even told him, “Listen, you don’t have to run any game with me, because I’m already interested in you.” I wanted to know more despite how off-putting he was being. He seemed stable. Sure he has a little girl, but he works at Northwestern Hospital and owns his own condo & truck.

The person I was with was in no condition to take me home, so he took me out for breakfast, along with two of his friends. He took me home afterward so I could change, and reminded me that he was taking me out to the movies and dinner later on.

So what happened? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I had company visiting from out of town, so I wasn’t going to be able to do anything anyway, but I was confused. What happened to the doting guy I met at the party? Anyway, I never heard from him again, and if I had known that that was going to be the outcome, I wouldn’t have added him as a friend on a networking site.

Fast forward a month, and yep, you guessed it. I just got a confirmation that he accepted my request. At first, I had to figure out who he was, that’s how long it had been. As soon as I figured it out, I was disgusted. Why, after all this time, would you try to contact someone that you couldn’t find the energy to pick up the phone to call? Sure I had his number too, but I wasn’t going to initiate the call. Why should I? He was the one coming on all hard. If you want to be with me, I shouldn’t have to beg you to contact me. He was such a waste of my time, and now I’m not sure if I want to head down this road again.

I am highly susceptible though. It’s the holiday season – the time when companionship from someone of the opposite sex is highly appreciated. Someone to make you feel less lonely, which unfortunately, is exactly how I’m feeling at this moment, and it’s likely to linger until the new year.

I hope that I don’t jump into a relationship just because I don’t want to be alone. I have always been an independent person, preaching about how I don’t need a man. I don’t, but one sure would be nice right about now. Someone who could be there with me as I go ice skating for the first time, or who wants to see the big Christmas tree propped outside the Daley Center (the mayor’s office). Someone to take to office parties, and other company events. Yeah, that would be nice, but I don’t have that, so I’m going to have to improvise, and you know what, settling doesn’t seem like a such bad option right now. I’m sure that hindsight will provide a different story, but I don’t wanna listen, I just want someone to celebrate the holidays with, someone who isn’t in my family, or a part of my regular circle of friends.

::sigh::